there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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