I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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