He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
