you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
