there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
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I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
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I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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