Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
