Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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