you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
