Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
