I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
my liver is dry heaving
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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