dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
A bitchslap is in order.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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