I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
