she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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