I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
