I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
