my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
