How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
