I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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