8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
