I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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