adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
