I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
