officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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