Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
