dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
