I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
