just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
so much tequila, so little girl.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
