sarcasm needs its own font
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
