Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
