Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
