i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
