Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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