I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
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