life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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