so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
