last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
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i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
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Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.