I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
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Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
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I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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