Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
