So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
