My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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