I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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