You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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