the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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