Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
