I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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