did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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