i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
