"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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