i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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