my being single is dangerous.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
