just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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