You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I have fence marks all over my body
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
