he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
