Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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