Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
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I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
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The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
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