Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Sponge bath it is.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
