I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
birth control should be required to get into college
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
